Why Coping Strategies Alone Aren’t Enough: How to Work with Your Nervous System, Not Against It

We all have moments when our emotions feel overwhelming. Sometimes we feel anxious and fearful, wound up, tense, or restless, like we’re on edge and ready to snap. Other times we might feel flat, numb, spaced out, or as if we’re not really there at all.

These shifts are not random. They’re part of how our nervous system responds to stress. Drawing on the work of Stephen Porges (Polyvagal Theory) and Deb Dana, we can begin to understand why our bodies react the way they do, and why different coping strategies help in different states.

The Nervous System and Arousal States

Our nervous system has built-in survival responses. In everyday language, people often talk about “fight or flight.” But there is also another survival pathway, “freeze” or shut-down.

• Hyper-arousal (Fight/Flight): Your body feels activated. You might feel anxious, agitated, restless, or overwhelmed. Your heart rate increases, your thoughts race, and you may feel on high alert.

• Hypo-arousal (Shut-down/Freeze): Your body slows down. You may feel numb, disconnected, empty, or spaced out. It can feel like you’re not really in the room, or like everything takes too much effort.

It is easy to see these states as the problem, especially when they interfere with daily life. Feeling flooded with fight and flight may be labelled as anxiety, while feeling numb or low may be called depression. Diagnostic categories often focus on these responses as the problems, whereas a psychologically informed perspective seeks to understand why the nervous system deems this response necessary right now?

They are the body’s survival responses, switched on for a reason. Part of the work of therapy is to understand what the brain is interpreting. Is there a threat it perceives? Does it feel overwhelmed? Does it feel powerless to change what is happening? These questions help us uncover why the body reacts as it does.

What we typically find is that our early blueprint for understanding ourselves and others plays a big part in this. Negative beliefs about ourselves or others, or rigid rules about how we think we should live, often lie beneath these responses. Some of this may be conscious and familiar. But some of it can be unconscious, shaped so early in life that we do not even realise we are carrying it. It may simply feel “normal” because it has always been there, or we may never have had the chance to explore and make sense of it with someone else.

I explore this more in my blog on the 4 S’s of attachment security, which explains how our early relationships shape the way we learn to feel safe, seen, soothed, and secure.

Why Unhelpful Coping Strategies Make Sense

Many people turn to self-harm, alcohol, drugs, or other behaviours that they know are not helpful long-term. When we look through the lens of the nervous system, these choices often make sense.

• If you’re hyper-aroused, alcohol or drugs can numb the system and help you switch off.

• If you’re hypo-aroused, self-harm or risky behaviours can provide an immediate jolt that makes you feel real again.

Other strategies like chronic overworking, gambling, compulsive sex or masturbation, or endless scrolling on your phone also fit this pattern. They are often ways of managing overwhelming states, not random bad habits.

These behaviours may feel like the only thing that works in the moment, but they often come at a cost. The good news is that once we understand the underlying patterns, we can find healthier alternatives that meet the same needs.

Why Relaxation Doesn’t Always Help

Most of us are familiar with relaxation techniques such as deep breathing, mindfulness, or calming music. These can be very effective when your system is running too fast in a hyper-aroused state. They help slow things down and bring you back into balance.

But relaxation is not always the answer.

• If you are in a hypo-aroused state, relaxation can make you feel even more shut down. What you need instead is grounding or activating strategies that reconnect you with the present.

• If you have a trauma history, certain relaxation or mindfulness practices can even feel unsafe. When you tune into your body, you may come into contact with sensations or memories that feel overwhelming. For this reason, mindfulness can be powerful, but it must be approached with care and, ideally, with the guidance of a clinical psychologist who can help you stay within a safe window of tolerance.

Strategies for Different States

When You’re Hyper-Aroused (Fight/Flight)

Try strategies that help you slow down and soothe your nervous system:

• Slow, deep breathing with long exhales

• Gentle stretching or yoga

• Listening to calming music

• Taking a warm shower or bath

• Guided relaxation exercises

When You’re Hypo-Aroused (Shut-down/Freeze)

Try strategies that help you wake up and reconnect:

• Short, sharp breaths (like blowing out candles)

• Jumping jacks or a brisk walk

• Splashing your face with cold water

• Strong tastes, smells, or textures (mints, citrus, fizzy drinks)

• Holding something textured in your hands and really noticing it

• Listening to energising music

The goal here is not to relax, but to stimulate your system enough to feel present and engaged again.

Learning What Works for You

Coping strategies like drinking, self-harm, overworking, sex, gambling, or endlessly scrolling are not the real problem. They are responses to the underlying problem. Your nervous system is trying to manage something painful or overwhelming, and these behaviours are attempts to cope in the only way that feels available in that moment.

If therapy only focuses on stopping or replacing those behaviours, it risks missing what is going on underneath. That means we are not giving ourselves the best opportunity to create lasting change.

Working with a clinical psychologist can help you:

• Understand the deeper reasons why your nervous system prompts certain coping strategies

• Recognise patterns of arousal and shut-down that keep you stuck

• Explore what is happening inside you, not just the behaviours on the surface

• Learn a toolkit of healthier, personalised techniques for regulation

• Shape how you consciously respond, so you have more choice and control

This two-pronged approach, working with the root cause and reshaping your responses, allows for real and sustainable change.

Final Thoughts

Your nervous system is not broken. It is trying to protect you. Feelings of anxiety, numbness, or low mood are not random flaws, and they are not the whole story. They are survival responses that your body has learned to use for reasons that make sense, even if those reasons are not obvious right now.

When we take a psychologically informed approach, we begin to see these states as signposts. They point us towards what the brain is interpreting in that moment, whether it senses threat, overwhelm, or powerlessness, and how early experiences have shaped the beliefs we hold about ourselves and others.

Working with a clinical psychologist gives you the chance to explore these deeper patterns, not just the coping strategies on the surface. Together, we can understand the root causes of your responses, while also building safer, healthier ways of coping in the present. This two-pronged approach, working with what lies underneath and reshaping how you respond, creates the opportunity for real and lasting change.

If you would like support in understanding your nervous system and building new ways of coping, I offer one-to-one therapy as a clinical psychologist. Together, we can explore what is happening beneath the surface and create strategies that work for you.